Have you heard these myths? They aren't true. Challenge them.
- Love happens instantly - it will hold the
family together.
- Children come first, the couple bond just
happens.
- All stepparents are wicked
- All stepchildren need to be rescued
- Ex-partners must dislike one another
- Only 'real' parents can discipline their
children.
- Avoid conflicts at all costs.
- Marriage creates the only valid family form.
- Everyone thinks they belong to the same family
- You can practice parenting by being a
stepparent.
- It's easier if the ex-partner/other parent has
died.
- A new baby will fix everything.
The goals of stepfamily living are 1) to create
time and space for a strong couple bond to form and 2) to create a place for
children to relate to all important adults. It's a game of chess, not checkers -
at the very least irritating - complex not necessarily complicated. Shifting
ex-spouse relationship to a co-parenting relationship, establishing limits and a
space for parent/child relationships, creating an atmosphere in which children
can comfortably and safely relate to all of the adults in their two families are
important and difficult tasks.
Different histories, values, rules must be dealt
with all at once. Blurred boundaries of the family exist because of the reality
of children moving between two families and having emotional ties to other
adults, living or dead. These realities constantly intrude on the new
partner-child connection.
The social isolation produced by changes of
residence or changes in life style have a major impact -loneliness- which is
often ignored.
Communication skills have to be relearned in any
new relationship. In stepfamilies one needs to learn to communicate with a new
partner at the same time one is learning to communicate with unfamiliar
children.
One needs to learn about negotiation and
compromise, sensing that fine line between compromise and capitulation. For at
least one adult in the stepfamily the previous relationship had a great deal of
tension without love. For couples in stepfamilies there's now tension with love.
Learn that relationships are precious and that
everyone is unique.
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